Tips on How to Name Your Cat

Let’s say you’re part of a small family that wants a pet, something condescending and aloof that destroys furniture with the air of doing you a favor. The thought strikes you: Hey, a cat would be great! You go out to your local pet store or adoption thingimajig place and order a cat. You bring him or her home and you realize that it doesn’t have a name! What should you do? Well, my friends, just follow the tips below and you’ll have a name even before you decide that you actually didn’t want a cat in the first place!

1. Name it after some other, bigger and more powerful, feline, like a tiger. This especially works if your cat has stripes, but doesn’t have anything else in common with its namesake.
2. If that doesn’t work, name it something soft-sounding, something that’s at odds with it’s actual character, like Bubbles or Cuddly, or Fluffy. Chances are that you’ll eventually want to add a “Mister” to the beginning to make the animal seem cuter than you’ve found it to be.
3. If you don’t like those names, try naming it after your grandfather or something. Thus you might have a Bob in the family again, or a Sedgewick.
4. Try naming the feline after its favorite place, or better yet, make it a duke or something! Lord of the Litter Box… That has a nice ring to it. Duke of the Dusty Cupboard. Earl of the Trash Can.
5. You can also name your pet after the things it’s destroyed. Living Room Chair, perhaps.
6. Try giving it a descriptive name, something like “Streak”, in honor of the way it runs around your house all day wearing nothing. Or “Stupidity Incarnate”.
7. Try what it eats most, like “Kitty Chow”. Or Mac’n'cheese! Or just Mac. All of these are good.
8. If you get too angry with it, just call it by your favorite swear word.
9. Compound words are good, like Bluntclaw, or Greeneye. Just stay away from meshing words that are too long, like “Malodorous-snout”.

Good luck naming your furry little furniture destroyer!